Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
