My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
