How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
