I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
