Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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