I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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