youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
