Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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