I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
