I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
