My nipple is on Facebook.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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