question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Boobs speak an international language.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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