I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
