Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
