I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
