i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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