i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
