Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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