Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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