just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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