every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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