i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
fuck your aforementioned shoe
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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