What a fucking waste of an outfit
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
