Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
