dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
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I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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