Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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