This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
