I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
