Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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