If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
