I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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