so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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