My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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