I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
