she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
