I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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