How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
