Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
