I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Two words: nipple clamps
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