I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
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