How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
