You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
