I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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