so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
