He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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