I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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