Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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