Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
