I can tuck mytits in my pants
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
