woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
