I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
