Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
