Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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