It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
