So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
