Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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