I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
