Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We had to coat check the pizza.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
