She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
