I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
