the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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